I want you to show me how

I am in love. Absolutely not in my plan. I was happy by myself, used to do whatever I wanted, whatever I wished. No plan, no dates to remember, no special occasions. I promised myself that I would NEVER EVER let me go through the pain of love again.

I failed.

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There was a guy, I know him for more than 17 years now. He was just a friend. To be honest, I never even liked him that much ever. I saw in Facebook that he got married to an Irish girl, I congratulated him and I was happy just as I would be for any of my other friends. They once invited me to visit me, thank God I never did. They have a one year old daughter, I even planned what I’d take for her. But like I said, THANK GOD!

However in last July (2017), out of nowhere he texted me that they split up and he was in London and wanted to meet up. I met him. Being the person who went through the same kind of break up of marriage, I couldn’t leave him alone. And that was it. We started talking. First it was just me supporting him that it’s gonna be over. he sometimes asked me why I hadn’t been dating. I answered – “Not Interested”.

He came back home in the same month and I went to Manchester for my PLAB2. Then the role changed, He had became the one who supported me. With studies, with mental breakdowns and all. He showed me such beautiful dreams that I just gave in. Crossing all my boundaries and my vows of not being in love ever again.

Now we’re together, meaning, in the same country. But I can’t live in Bangladesh. I have overcome a disastrous marriage, my drug problems, my smoking problems – all here which are reminded every second and moreover I finished my PLAB (which he knew I was determined about for staying in UK). I just feel like a cage here in Bangladesh.

I am trying to get a job in UK, almost done as well. Some paper works are left, which are bothering me, but hopefully it’ll be over soon. But the guy I love, and he loves me too, has become too silent. He stopped talking to me about what is bothering him. Once he said he’d never go to UK. Now he says he MIGHT go with me as he LOVES me. I am ready to move to any developed countries once I get my experience from NHS. But every time we talk about my job in UK and him going there, he becomes more cocooned. His marriage has not dissolved yet fully, the process is still going. he tries to compare that what I had in Bangladesh, same things he remembers if he thinks of going back to UK. I tried to make him understand that it was not same, and Ireland and UK are not same. We won’t even live near Ireland. He agrees, but I know how his face changes.

I do love him. Maybe he does love me as well, although my idea that is more like rebound. But I’m willing to make my best effort to make it last a lifetime. Maybe we’ll get married later this year, but I am scared to the core of my soul what will happen if he becomes silent? Or even worse, if I become silent? My demons are far worse than his and I am terrified if those again come up and kill me from inside AGAIN. I wish he could help me with this, but he is unable to do that. UNFORTUNATELY. He doesn’t even wanna talk about this.

I wish my life ended right here, right now. He would have been spared from the pain and the devil in me.

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

 

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One Linkedin connection and Range Rover Evoque

In the last month, lot of things happened. I went to Manchester for the PLAB 1 preparation course. But that was only the gateway of what happened next. I met some amazing people there. Bonhipriya, Manjula, Marsha and Robin. There were so many more there, but somehow these four and I became a close group and it was awesome. I didn’t expect to be making friends at this stage of the life, and that was quite a big surprise to have friends again at this point.

After a really long time, I felt alone despite of having friends all around me. I had a huge crush on someone there who was our tutor. Most probably he was even younger than me, and being from an Arabic background, I knew that it was absolutely impossible to have something for us. But the truth is that I was feeling unbelievably alone.

My roommate was Bonhipriya, and she was having some problems with her boyfriend Amit. Manjula was there with her fiance Ganthan. Marsha had Izaaz, her husband visiting every weekend. Robin was mostly alone, but we saw him falling head over heels for Bonhipiya. It was only me who was alone.

I don’t mind being alone actually. In fact I prefer to be alone after what I experienced while being with someone. But I saw that every one of my friends got calls during the breaks, after the classes or even in weekends. And then there was me – completely alone. Putting a very brave face all the time, like nothing bothers me and blah blah. My old friends who used to know me 8 years ago, can’t even guess how much I have changed inside. They still think that I overreact, I express all my emotions and all these things. To be honest, I like that they think I’m still the same. I really don’t want anyone to know that I am hurt and scared and freaking out inside.

I was staying in a hotel after coming to London, with Bonhipriya and Manjula. I knew I was behaving stupidly about my crush on M. And after such a long time I started sharing my feeling with people. And in the hotel I saw them judging me how stupid I was behaving – in Malayalam which I couldn’t understand. I got the topic of the conversation with their lowered voice, mentioning our names and specific words that I used while I talked about M to Manjula. I love both of them, but you are not supposed to that to a friend, right? I was hurt beyond anything. Again I was proven right not to trust even the closest of friends about your emotions. And that was only a crush, not even anything real.

Somehow every time I am emotionally involved in anything, I get screwed. BIG TIME. I am so tired of this. I am alone, I choose to be alone right now. I feel lonely sometimes. But when I go to the gym at 7.30 in the morning without worrying about making breakfast for my husband or my child, and when I watch a movie at 11 am on a weekday just because I felt like it – my loneliness seems so much smaller compared to the comfort. My heart is still a human’s heart. I’m not only talking about the anatomical heart, I’m also talking about stupid-emotional heart that we read about in literature, and watch in the movies. But is it really worth of it to share one’s heart with others?

I went to Euston from our hotel to see off Robin after the exam. I carried his suitcase and helped him find the platform and everything. When he was saying goodbye, he said to me “You know you are very independent, right?” Later the same week, one of my MSc course mates, Nick also told me, “You are very independent.” Again one Bangladeshi learner in the tuition center I work in told me “You are like a guy”. I understood that he wanted to say “independent” as well, but because of his lack of English language proficiency and social status, it came out like that. I actually feel pretty good about myself when I hear these things. It boosts my confidence.

It has not been very easy. It’s not easy now, and I think it won’t ever start getting easier. And I will always feel alone and lost up to a certain point. I shared my emotions without anything hidden to one person, then I shared a big chunk of my emotions and feelings with some refinement to another. The first one was so occupied with his own that he never put any effort on mine, at least I thought that. And the second one, my ex-husband fucked me over and over with whatever I shared with him. So moving on from guys in general, I shared somethings with some of friends – who were not supposed to judge and everything. But they made fun of me in their own language. And the friends that I love with all my heart – Titlee, Mishu, Sharmin, Disha, Pinky – they really don’t care now. They are all very busy with their lives and I completely understand that and I really don’t wanna bother them. They still take everything I do on the face value. They still think that I am just being overemotional like I used to be before. And I don’t have the energy to correct them anymore. And Pinky and Titlee – Pinky directly told me to “stop telling me these” and “I can’t take it anymore”, Titlee forgot about talking to me when I particularly asked her that I was feeling bad and I needed to talk to someone. I really feel for them. Pinky, being the strong one and Titlee, being the perfect wife and mother, they don’t have any time for my BS. And although I got very mad when these happened, but I knew it was high time for me to move on from depending on anyone about emotional stuff.

It’s just better to vest on more material things for the sanity of my mind. Need to buy Range Rover Evoque within 5 years. No time to feel this stupid emotions until I have that in my garage.

Also, I have got a Linkedin invitation from someone who is the most special one in my life. Having anything close to him in my life can make me go on forever.. 😉

I am not looking for somebody with some superhuman gifts, just something I can turn to, somebody I can kiss.. dooo doo dooo doo… I want something just like this….