Today is one of those days.
This has already been a very VERY long week. I struggled through two days of migraine and two days of near-death vomiting spell. Maybe I do understand how Ronald Weasley felt when he was burping slugs.
Today is the first day of Bengali Spring. I see colors in Facebook and Instagram posts, I see women of every age are wearing any yellow, red, orange or red tone with flower accessories. I feel festive. But I don’t know why it seems to me that everything is happening on a screen, I am not a part of it. And I definitely do not have anybody to celebrate such occasions with.
I have been trying to write a letter to someone for a long time. That will be kind of a goodbye letter. I have been stuck with this guy for 15 years, 10 months, 1 day including today. He has kind of been my inner voice. But I think it’s high time I move on. I’ve been married, divorced, remarried again and although the love for my husband that I feel is much different than the previous loves in my life, it makes me feel mature and secure. But that I will do that on a different day. I needed to talk to someone about the things I am feeling about it, but huh.. SURPRISE! I have none!
I feel alone. That’s it. I have a loving family, a very caring husband, my parents are the bests in the world. My friends are also pretty amazing people. In spite of being surrounded by lovely people, I feel alone.
There have been few things going on with me for last few weeks. I am dealing health issues, my own personal issues and career issues. And there in the middle of everything a “significant somebody” started behaving like the most annoying “hitch” of all time. I have no idea why she is doing that.
Well.. the thing is I don’t mind her behaving like so. All I have been thinking today is that I always had somebody to talk about anything and everything in my life. There were Nipa and Pinky in my school/college life, Titlee-Mishu-Sharmin-Disha-Seme in my med school. But after that, I have no one in this world with whom I can share my conflicts. I don’t need any solution or suggestion. I just feel the need of having somebody in my life who will scream with anger if I am angry about something/someone, who would listen to me dragging on about any issue that bothers me, who would plan with me the insane ways to make that other person understand how tough I am and how wrong it is to mess with me.
I have got everything in my life. I have got a caring husband now, have got a job, have a plan for the future. All I need is a best friend now.
And it feels like, without one, my life has become completely meaningless. Somewhere on the way to reach the current “ME”, I have lost everything. I am sad for them, maybe I will be for the rest of my life. Because I have also lost the drive to find them again. And today is one of the days when this feeling gets to me. I feel sad for being me.