A surreal world, within the too real world

While on some very important task to do, my habit is to turn on Youtube in the background to keep me company and it kind of gives me a boost to finish the task as soon as possible, with a fake vibe that I am starring in a movie on my life while I finish everything I need to do to excel in everything with the amazing background score. But sometimes, rather than helping me, the Youtube musics take me to a certain dark place that I am really scared.

Being from the Indian subcontinent, I have frequently watched Bollywood videos, and when I am in a particularly happy mood – English romantic pop songs are also a very favored choice. And as the autoplay is on in Youtube, I keep going back to these love-wins-all songs. Same thing happened today.

To get on with my huge study load, I have been escaping from the house and placing myself on the corner most table of the Enfield town center McDonalds every day. I was deeply engrossed in my another futile attempt to understand ECG better, I had my earphones on and my eyes on the book. Then a very sweet romantic Bollywood song came on my playlist. The girl was singing how she feels beautiful and special and loved by the guy’s behave and attitude. Well.. the whole thing was the girl’s imagination. She was imagining the guy to be appraising her beauty, her skills, her brain – all the superlative traits of a oh-so-simple girl in a movie. I always liked this song very much. So I gave up my ECG papers for 6 minutes to watch the video. I started feeling really bad for myself. I always wished someone would be in my life as well – who will love me, not because of how I look, but the way I function or the way I think or the way I am constantly growing up as a human being. I know that I can be considered as okay-looking in most standards of beauty, I am decently “poised” (only when I need to be), I have a clear idea of how how to act in public. Also I have achieved a fair amount of success in my student life and in my career. In personal life, I can say confidently that I have received the devoted love of at least two persons. Although one was a bit immature when it came to the matter of hearts, but he was true and very honest. The other was my ex-husband. No matter how terrible the marriage turned out at the end, he loved me for what I am for a certain time. But that didn’t last.

I am not very sure that I want any kind of relationship at this point of my life. But being loved and adored is the best feeling in the world. At least for me. I always fly on the cloud nine when I really feel that somebody likes me. But that happens so rarely. I have become an old hag now, and if I, by some miracle, meet any guy who gives me a nice smile or just a polite handshake, I feel butterflies in my stomach. Most of the time, I come back to the cruel practical world and harsh reality too soon, as I perfectly know what I am. And I completely accept my shortcomings. At one time, maybe, if I was smart and mature like I am today, I could have got the adoration and admiration of guys, qualified-good guys. But for a divorcee, 30-year-old, cynical me, it is not possible to get the feel-good-butterfly-in-stomach feeling from being admired. I have accepted the reality.

However, when I need to escape this bitter truth, Youtube is always here for me with some singer’s undying love… And if I minimize the window and turn the volume really loud while imaging people surrounding me are part of the serenade, I can always think of myself that the song is only for myself! And I am the main character of the movie on my life, even if it is in some alternate dimension….

“I can see it in your eyes
That you despise the same old lines
You heard the night before
And though it’s just a line to you
For me it’s true
And never seemed so right before…”

PS. Image collected from Google image search 🙂
Advertisements

You are on my mind ;)

eyes_freaked

In all the years of my life and all the people I have met, I only remember a few. Not because I wanted to forget them, but because I couldn’t remember them.

Voice, oh my God! A smooth voice with correct pronunciation are the first things that attract me toward a person. I have a friend who’s voice was literally smooth as silk, although I never liked her very much, but every time she speaks, I just listen to her amazing tone, pronunciation and style. Same thing happens for guys too. A masculine voice with perfect pronunciation… a dreamy combination in a guy.

Then what? Foolishly enough, for me, it’s the smell. Although if the person is not particularly “good smelling”, I can’t remember it. But when I smell the same perfume or cologne the next time anywhere in the world, I keep thinking about that person. Only for this reason, when I live far from my mum, I spray Elizabeth Arden Red Door a couple of times on my pillow and I feel she is there with me. I do the same thing with Oud perfume on my coats to remind me of my dad. But the worst thing that happens with this is that I also remember the bad things a person did to me when I smell the same perfume/cologne he used to wear. Ralph Lauren Romance, you are ruined for me!

Then I take a look at what the other person is wearing, but to be honest, if the other person is a girl and she is not wearing a super fancy dress, then I am not bothered about that. But if the girl is wearing Saree, to be specific, a classic Saree like Vanarasi or Kanjipuram, I get stuck with it. And if that is a guy, then if he has a good physique and wearing formal, well-fitted clothes, then that guy is sketched on my mind forever. Otherwise… who cares! It’s not that I like guys wearing formal clothes all the time, but to remember him, well-fitted formal get up really helps me.

The next thing that I really adore about fit people are the shoulder blades. As a medical student, I know how significant the shoulder blade or scapula bones are. But when a well fitted shirt/t-shirt wearing guy walks with his magnificent back, it literally takes away my attention. For girls, I actually don’t feel such excitement, but it’s good as well. Another physical thing about guys, when they walk and their elbows make an angle with their bodies, a slight bend at the joint… that looks so good to me. It happens quite often that I see a guy somewhere and I see the perfect shoulder blades poking at his back, the perfect angle his elbows make… and then he turns around and that is a 60 year old guy! smh

Weird things!

Heal me

anxiety-art-depression-drawing-favim-com-4336445

All my memories wander in my mind. I remember them even when I pick up a pen. Sometimes I think about my treasures that I might loose. Whenever I see the rain pouring from the sky, I wish I had some way to change my pains to hopes and dreams. I bring the darkness and then I fight them. And even if I win in the fight, I get lost in the shadows.

Please find me the light, find me the dawn. I want to breath in the freshness, I want to smell the fragrance. I want my eyes to be blinded with that brightness. Please find me my soul, that I can call my own, that I can take care, with whom my darkest secrets will be gone.

My ailing body, my sickened soul have endured enough. I want them to heal. I breakdown and I get up again. I try to clean my mess. I light the fire.

But only my soul burns. I bring the darkness and then I fight. And when I win, I get lost in the shadows again.

*Image collected from Google search 🙂

Imagining sh**s

Last weekend was really good, friends, fun, being busy. And at that time, I met someone. No, it’s not the “someone”, just a someone.

I tried remembering all the guys that showed interest in me in my life. There was six guys in total that I knew about, I guess that is quite a large number considering it’s me. The first one was special, so excluding him from my incoherent thoughts here. Rest..hmmm… I actually guessed how they felt. My ex husband, the first time I met him, I felt uncomfortable because I thought someone was giving me some “extra” attention, and I knew he had a girlfriend back then, so I just didn’t bother. But every time we met after the first one, I felt the same discomfort. It made sense when our marriage was started being arranged.

Third, fourth, fifth and sixth ones were in my med school. Third one was an asshole in my class, shameless piece of garbage, so he didn’t hide it, but I always felt so uncomfortable even from the very first day of our classes. Second was one senior, I didn’t know about him for a long time, but still I felt unexplained weirdness around him. Fifth one was again a shit-head and I knew about his feelings, made me comfortable as hell. Sixth one was a sweet guy, but he behaved like he was transfixed with me whenever we were in the same room. It was so obvious. But there was the same feeling of awkwardness. One more idiot told me that he loved me, and we had been friends for quite some time, but I never felt the awkwardness or butterfly-in-stomach feeling with him.

Now… this new someone. I felt the weirdness when I heard about him the first time. And I felt the weirdness every time we met. I should explain this better. He was born and brought up in UK, and so I am not entirely sure what his behaviors meant. He got confused every time he tried to address me something, another guy with the same name was there and whenever I called the other guy he gave me the impression that he was excited just from thinking I was talking to him, he was avoiding eye contacts with me and every time he talked to me he just couldn’t stop smiling. Was he just polite or there was something else! Who knows!

Or am I overthinking the whole thing?

The previous 2-6 guys, I actually didn’t care and although I was a bit sad when I saw so many girls were getting the “attractions” and I was being treated as the “scary” one, but I never wanted to be in a relationship. And it’s been a very long time since my divorce, and now I feel that every guy is an asshole, if nothing more vulgar. So when a nice, qualified guy was just being polite and civil, I read a little too much between the lines?

This afternoon, I fell asleep for a while and I dreamt the best dream in last 2 years. I saw the someone was really interested in me, he knew about my past and still he along with his family wanted me. And the whole scenario was in a beach with cliffs on one side, and at the end of the dream I saw myself experiencing the fireworks (yes, real fireworks) when I was standing in the middle of the night sky and it was so beautiful! I was so happy. Last night, I saw a photo of the first guy from the list in his wedding, he looked happy. He was the only one with whom I had something resembling a connection. He was special. I was really sad and depressed last night. I regret every decision I made in my life. And I don’t wanna get into a relationship with anyone, not even the someone. But suddenly the attention I imagined felt nice and warm when I was at the verge of breaking down after last night’s photo experience. Last time I had such a happy, nice dream was when I was intoxicated and out of mind massively. But that felt good, as it felt amazing this afternoon.

I know I am imagining things, I know the nice guy definitely does not think of me that way. I don’t deserve to be feeling this happy. But deep down inside, I liked the feeling. I didn’t wanna wake up from my nap. Is it too weird?

Unrelated 1.1

Scare. That one emotion that stops the heart. A chill flowing inside the veins. Hands started shaking. Mouth goes dry. Brain stops functioning.

When you are scared you can’t think properly. What makes us thinking rationally? Thought of revenge? I used to think so. I used to hold grudges against everybody that did me wrong. It didn’t matter if it was actually something that they did, or just my imagination. My narcissism got the best of me long ago. After meeting so many different people in so many different situations, I understand what initiated that.

I was praised for everything. I had my wonderful parents covering up for me. Their belief that I could do no wrong. With time, it affected me more than anything. I started to make excuses for everything bad or wrong that I did. I knew my parents would believe me, even if they didn’t they would always support me, back me up, cover for me, make excuses for me. For example, I remember what happened with the head-girl badge, I lost it. I was so scared that I couldn’t sleep at night. Next morning I told my mom. She took care of everything. She ordered a new badge, she talked to my teacher. I knew she had my back. I would be alright. But that was the first time I could remember getting scared out of my life. It’s not that they didn’t tell me anything if I did anything wrong. But all I remember that they tried to tell me how disappointed they were because a good girl like me did something bad.

My priority had become not to disappoint them.

Every time I do something bad, I immediately think how disappointed my parents would be if they knew. Whenever there was even the slightest possibility that they would know what I had done, I felt the chill down my spine. That painful coldness, that paralyzing existence.

This is what happened last week. I did what I did just because I started to think if they knew, they’d be so much disappointed. I didn’t wanna experience that. Even now when I think what could have happened, I get so scared. Scared beyond anything I felt before, any time in my life.

Is this common in human nature? Disappointment? Disappointing parents? Disappointing society? Disappointing traditions? Disappointing someone we love? Disappointing someone we made promises to share our goods and bads? Disappointing God? Disappointing faith? Disappointing beliefs?

Or, just disappointing ourselves?