Hope you are happy. I have started writing bits to you long before this one, but I thought I might share those with you someday. And now that all the scopes and chances for you to see them are lost, I have started writing them here, only because sometimes I need to vent out. Don’t worry babe, I destroyed all the rest.
It’s been ages since we had a proper conversation. It was at the end of October 2009 when we talked last like human being. How much I miss that!
Many things have happened in both our lives. We have been through a lot. We can’t compare our pains in any possible way, they are completely different. Fate has not been kind to us. I really pray that your hard times are over. But I do know the perfectionist in you, so I know you won’t ever be satisfied with yourself…lol. But I pray sincerely that you stay happy.
I really have no idea how you pop into my thoughts every chance you get! Your inspiration, your competitiveness, your morale, all these have been etched in my mind like some kind of ideal. I compare everything through your yardstick. It sounds so fake and mushy romantic, but it is really not. I have grown up from being a girl to being a woman, thinking just about you. I was frustrated sometimes, thinking why you were taking so much time to decide if you liked me or not. I was such a fool. I believed in the stupid notions of love that we see in the movies and read in the books. I thought declaring love can be be the only thing to accept love. Everyone says that boys are less matured than girls of the same age, you proved them wrong. I found out the hard way that the romantic love doesn’t exist. What I had with you was real, more true than anything in my life.
I know you have moved on, you’ve got past the pain and hurt and humiliation I caused you. And I am truly happy for that. But sometimes I feel hollow inside. I enjoy my life, I have left the really bad stuff that have happened to me, I try to measure everything on your scale “how B would react to that”… And somehow I am finding my way to the good things in life, but they revolve around you. I take photos of myself and things around me the way I think you would like, I dress up the way you wanted, I imagine holiday the way you spent yours, I talk the way you wanted, I even have conversation with you in my head every day.
I’m not gonna deny that I had been stalking you for so long, but I really stopped when I saw your photo with your beautiful bride. She is so pretty and so pure. And you two look so happy. My first thought was that “he married such a simple, pure girl! I was the one who misjudged him thinking he wanted flashy, polished partner in his life. He just needed a companion.” And at that moment I accepted that I don’t deserve you.
Interesting thing is that I always imagined many scenarios where I get you back, one of such was that I would be a pediatrician so that I could kill you baby, but amazingly when I saw your wife, I thought I could never hurt such a pure person. You are blessed, you took your decision after thinking a lot, weighing all your options and future opportunities. You are brave, you have faced everything bad in your life so strongly. You are honest and sincere, you never did anything to dishonor my relationships. And I promise to return you this favor.
I know I have no chance with you, but the human nature in me can’t stop thinking of possibilities how you can come back to me. I imagine countless scenarios, but deep in my heart I know that you will never be back, and I am not sure if you can ever be happy with me. I just wish and pray that I can be as brave and wise as you are.
All my love and good wishes for you baby…