While on some very important task to do, my habit is to turn on Youtube in the background to keep me company and it kind of gives me a boost to finish the task as soon as possible, with a fake vibe that I am starring in a movie on my life while I finish everything I need to do to excel in everything with the amazing background score. But sometimes, rather than helping me, the Youtube musics take me to a certain dark place that I am really scared.
Being from the Indian subcontinent, I have frequently watched Bollywood videos, and when I am in a particularly happy mood – English romantic pop songs are also a very favored choice. And as the autoplay is on in Youtube, I keep going back to these love-wins-all songs. Same thing happened today.
To get on with my huge study load, I have been escaping from the house and placing myself on the corner most table of the Enfield town center McDonalds every day. I was deeply engrossed in my another futile attempt to understand ECG better, I had my earphones on and my eyes on the book. Then a very sweet romantic Bollywood song came on my playlist. The girl was singing how she feels beautiful and special and loved by the guy’s behave and attitude. Well.. the whole thing was the girl’s imagination. She was imagining the guy to be appraising her beauty, her skills, her brain – all the superlative traits of a oh-so-simple girl in a movie. I always liked this song very much. So I gave up my ECG papers for 6 minutes to watch the video. I started feeling really bad for myself. I always wished someone would be in my life as well – who will love me, not because of how I look, but the way I function or the way I think or the way I am constantly growing up as a human being. I know that I can be considered as okay-looking in most standards of beauty, I am decently “poised” (only when I need to be), I have a clear idea of how how to act in public. Also I have achieved a fair amount of success in my student life and in my career. In personal life, I can say confidently that I have received the devoted love of at least two persons. Although one was a bit immature when it came to the matter of hearts, but he was true and very honest. The other was my ex-husband. No matter how terrible the marriage turned out at the end, he loved me for what I am for a certain time. But that didn’t last.
I am not very sure that I want any kind of relationship at this point of my life. But being loved and adored is the best feeling in the world. At least for me. I always fly on the cloud nine when I really feel that somebody likes me. But that happens so rarely. I have become an old hag now, and if I, by some miracle, meet any guy who gives me a nice smile or just a polite handshake, I feel butterflies in my stomach. Most of the time, I come back to the cruel practical world and harsh reality too soon, as I perfectly know what I am. And I completely accept my shortcomings. At one time, maybe, if I was smart and mature like I am today, I could have got the adoration and admiration of guys, qualified-good guys. But for a divorcee, 30-year-old, cynical me, it is not possible to get the feel-good-butterfly-in-stomach feeling from being admired. I have accepted the reality.
However, when I need to escape this bitter truth, Youtube is always here for me with some singer’s undying love… And if I minimize the window and turn the volume really loud while imaging people surrounding me are part of the serenade, I can always think of myself that the song is only for myself! And I am the main character of the movie on my life, even if it is in some alternate dimension….
“I can see it in your eyes
That you despise the same old lines
You heard the night before
And though it’s just a line to you
For me it’s true
And never seemed so right before…”