I want you to show me how

I am in love. Absolutely not in my plan. I was happy by myself, used to do whatever I wanted, whatever I wished. No plan, no dates to remember, no special occasions. I promised myself that I would NEVER EVER let me go through the pain of love again.

I failed.

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There was a guy, I know him for more than 17 years now. He was just a friend. To be honest, I never even liked him that much ever. I saw in Facebook that he got married to an Irish girl, I congratulated him and I was happy just as I would be for any of my other friends. They once invited me to visit me, thank God I never did. They have a one year old daughter, I even planned what I’d take for her. But like I said, THANK GOD!

However in last July (2017), out of nowhere he texted me that they split up and he was in London and wanted to meet up. I met him. Being the person who went through the same kind of break up of marriage, I couldn’t leave him alone. And that was it. We started talking. First it was just me supporting him that it’s gonna be over. he sometimes asked me why I hadn’t been dating. I answered – “Not Interested”.

He came back home in the same month and I went to Manchester for my PLAB2. Then the role changed, He had became the one who supported me. With studies, with mental breakdowns and all. He showed me such beautiful dreams that I just gave in. Crossing all my boundaries and my vows of not being in love ever again.

Now we’re together, meaning, in the same country. But I can’t live in Bangladesh. I have overcome a disastrous marriage, my drug problems, my smoking problems – all here which are reminded every second and moreover I finished my PLAB (which he knew I was determined about for staying in UK). I just feel like a cage here in Bangladesh.

I am trying to get a job in UK, almost done as well. Some paper works are left, which are bothering me, but hopefully it’ll be over soon. But the guy I love, and he loves me too, has become too silent. He stopped talking to me about what is bothering him. Once he said he’d never go to UK. Now he says he MIGHT go with me as he LOVES me. I am ready to move to any developed countries once I get my experience from NHS. But every time we talk about my job in UK and him going there, he becomes more cocooned. His marriage has not dissolved yet fully, the process is still going. he tries to compare that what I had in Bangladesh, same things he remembers if he thinks of going back to UK. I tried to make him understand that it was not same, and Ireland and UK are not same. We won’t even live near Ireland. He agrees, but I know how his face changes.

I do love him. Maybe he does love me as well, although my idea that is more like rebound. But I’m willing to make my best effort to make it last a lifetime. Maybe we’ll get married later this year, but I am scared to the core of my soul what will happen if he becomes silent? Or even worse, if I become silent? My demons are far worse than his and I am terrified if those again come up and kill me from inside AGAIN. I wish he could help me with this, but he is unable to do that. UNFORTUNATELY. He doesn’t even wanna talk about this.

I wish my life ended right here, right now. He would have been spared from the pain and the devil in me.

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

 

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One Linkedin connection and Range Rover Evoque

In the last month, lot of things happened. I went to Manchester for the PLAB 1 preparation course. But that was only the gateway of what happened next. I met some amazing people there. Bonhipriya, Manjula, Marsha and Robin. There were so many more there, but somehow these four and I became a close group and it was awesome. I didn’t expect to be making friends at this stage of the life, and that was quite a big surprise to have friends again at this point.

After a really long time, I felt alone despite of having friends all around me. I had a huge crush on someone there who was our tutor. Most probably he was even younger than me, and being from an Arabic background, I knew that it was absolutely impossible to have something for us. But the truth is that I was feeling unbelievably alone.

My roommate was Bonhipriya, and she was having some problems with her boyfriend Amit. Manjula was there with her fiance Ganthan. Marsha had Izaaz, her husband visiting every weekend. Robin was mostly alone, but we saw him falling head over heels for Bonhipiya. It was only me who was alone.

I don’t mind being alone actually. In fact I prefer to be alone after what I experienced while being with someone. But I saw that every one of my friends got calls during the breaks, after the classes or even in weekends. And then there was me – completely alone. Putting a very brave face all the time, like nothing bothers me and blah blah. My old friends who used to know me 8 years ago, can’t even guess how much I have changed inside. They still think that I overreact, I express all my emotions and all these things. To be honest, I like that they think I’m still the same. I really don’t want anyone to know that I am hurt and scared and freaking out inside.

I was staying in a hotel after coming to London, with Bonhipriya and Manjula. I knew I was behaving stupidly about my crush on M. And after such a long time I started sharing my feeling with people. And in the hotel I saw them judging me how stupid I was behaving – in Malayalam which I couldn’t understand. I got the topic of the conversation with their lowered voice, mentioning our names and specific words that I used while I talked about M to Manjula. I love both of them, but you are not supposed to that to a friend, right? I was hurt beyond anything. Again I was proven right not to trust even the closest of friends about your emotions. And that was only a crush, not even anything real.

Somehow every time I am emotionally involved in anything, I get screwed. BIG TIME. I am so tired of this. I am alone, I choose to be alone right now. I feel lonely sometimes. But when I go to the gym at 7.30 in the morning without worrying about making breakfast for my husband or my child, and when I watch a movie at 11 am on a weekday just because I felt like it – my loneliness seems so much smaller compared to the comfort. My heart is still a human’s heart. I’m not only talking about the anatomical heart, I’m also talking about stupid-emotional heart that we read about in literature, and watch in the movies. But is it really worth of it to share one’s heart with others?

I went to Euston from our hotel to see off Robin after the exam. I carried his suitcase and helped him find the platform and everything. When he was saying goodbye, he said to me “You know you are very independent, right?” Later the same week, one of my MSc course mates, Nick also told me, “You are very independent.” Again one Bangladeshi learner in the tuition center I work in told me “You are like a guy”. I understood that he wanted to say “independent” as well, but because of his lack of English language proficiency and social status, it came out like that. I actually feel pretty good about myself when I hear these things. It boosts my confidence.

It has not been very easy. It’s not easy now, and I think it won’t ever start getting easier. And I will always feel alone and lost up to a certain point. I shared my emotions without anything hidden to one person, then I shared a big chunk of my emotions and feelings with some refinement to another. The first one was so occupied with his own that he never put any effort on mine, at least I thought that. And the second one, my ex-husband fucked me over and over with whatever I shared with him. So moving on from guys in general, I shared somethings with some of friends – who were not supposed to judge and everything. But they made fun of me in their own language. And the friends that I love with all my heart – Titlee, Mishu, Sharmin, Disha, Pinky – they really don’t care now. They are all very busy with their lives and I completely understand that and I really don’t wanna bother them. They still take everything I do on the face value. They still think that I am just being overemotional like I used to be before. And I don’t have the energy to correct them anymore. And Pinky and Titlee – Pinky directly told me to “stop telling me these” and “I can’t take it anymore”, Titlee forgot about talking to me when I particularly asked her that I was feeling bad and I needed to talk to someone. I really feel for them. Pinky, being the strong one and Titlee, being the perfect wife and mother, they don’t have any time for my BS. And although I got very mad when these happened, but I knew it was high time for me to move on from depending on anyone about emotional stuff.

It’s just better to vest on more material things for the sanity of my mind. Need to buy Range Rover Evoque within 5 years. No time to feel this stupid emotions until I have that in my garage.

Also, I have got a Linkedin invitation from someone who is the most special one in my life. Having anything close to him in my life can make me go on forever.. 😉

I am not looking for somebody with some superhuman gifts, just something I can turn to, somebody I can kiss.. dooo doo dooo doo… I want something just like this….

 

A surreal world, within the too real world

While on some very important task to do, my habit is to turn on Youtube in the background to keep me company and it kind of gives me a boost to finish the task as soon as possible, with a fake vibe that I am starring in a movie on my life while I finish everything I need to do to excel in everything with the amazing background score. But sometimes, rather than helping me, the Youtube musics take me to a certain dark place that I am really scared.

Being from the Indian subcontinent, I have frequently watched Bollywood videos, and when I am in a particularly happy mood – English romantic pop songs are also a very favored choice. And as the autoplay is on in Youtube, I keep going back to these love-wins-all songs. Same thing happened today.

To get on with my huge study load, I have been escaping from the house and placing myself on the corner most table of the Enfield town center McDonalds every day. I was deeply engrossed in my another futile attempt to understand ECG better, I had my earphones on and my eyes on the book. Then a very sweet romantic Bollywood song came on my playlist. The girl was singing how she feels beautiful and special and loved by the guy’s behave and attitude. Well.. the whole thing was the girl’s imagination. She was imagining the guy to be appraising her beauty, her skills, her brain – all the superlative traits of a oh-so-simple girl in a movie. I always liked this song very much. So I gave up my ECG papers for 6 minutes to watch the video. I started feeling really bad for myself. I always wished someone would be in my life as well – who will love me, not because of how I look, but the way I function or the way I think or the way I am constantly growing up as a human being. I know that I can be considered as okay-looking in most standards of beauty, I am decently “poised” (only when I need to be), I have a clear idea of how how to act in public. Also I have achieved a fair amount of success in my student life and in my career. In personal life, I can say confidently that I have received the devoted love of at least two persons. Although one was a bit immature when it came to the matter of hearts, but he was true and very honest. The other was my ex-husband. No matter how terrible the marriage turned out at the end, he loved me for what I am for a certain time. But that didn’t last.

I am not very sure that I want any kind of relationship at this point of my life. But being loved and adored is the best feeling in the world. At least for me. I always fly on the cloud nine when I really feel that somebody likes me. But that happens so rarely. I have become an old hag now, and if I, by some miracle, meet any guy who gives me a nice smile or just a polite handshake, I feel butterflies in my stomach. Most of the time, I come back to the cruel practical world and harsh reality too soon, as I perfectly know what I am. And I completely accept my shortcomings. At one time, maybe, if I was smart and mature like I am today, I could have got the adoration and admiration of guys, qualified-good guys. But for a divorcee, 30-year-old, cynical me, it is not possible to get the feel-good-butterfly-in-stomach feeling from being admired. I have accepted the reality.

However, when I need to escape this bitter truth, Youtube is always here for me with some singer’s undying love… And if I minimize the window and turn the volume really loud while imaging people surrounding me are part of the serenade, I can always think of myself that the song is only for myself! And I am the main character of the movie on my life, even if it is in some alternate dimension….

“I can see it in your eyes
That you despise the same old lines
You heard the night before
And though it’s just a line to you
For me it’s true
And never seemed so right before…”

PS. Image collected from Google image search 🙂

Come, my friend..

The lights that we used to carry in our hearts are the watermarks of our fairy tale. Come, my friend. Let’s relive our memories; when we walked for hours, we shared the laughter, when we shared the times, when we shared the countless hours talking nonsense. You and me, as a team. My heart is always with you. My days are lost in you. Let me walk beside you.

We shall be each other’s shadows. We will save our love. You will confide in me, like the way you used to.

Come, my friend… before life calls us back.

You are on my mind ;)

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In all the years of my life and all the people I have met, I only remember a few. Not because I wanted to forget them, but because I couldn’t remember them.

Voice, oh my God! A smooth voice with correct pronunciation are the first things that attract me toward a person. I have a friend who’s voice was literally smooth as silk, although I never liked her very much, but every time she speaks, I just listen to her amazing tone, pronunciation and style. Same thing happens for guys too. A masculine voice with perfect pronunciation… a dreamy combination in a guy.

Then what? Foolishly enough, for me, it’s the smell. Although if the person is not particularly “good smelling”, I can’t remember it. But when I smell the same perfume or cologne the next time anywhere in the world, I keep thinking about that person. Only for this reason, when I live far from my mum, I spray Elizabeth Arden Red Door a couple of times on my pillow and I feel she is there with me. I do the same thing with Oud perfume on my coats to remind me of my dad. But the worst thing that happens with this is that I also remember the bad things a person did to me when I smell the same perfume/cologne he used to wear. Ralph Lauren Romance, you are ruined for me!

Then I take a look at what the other person is wearing, but to be honest, if the other person is a girl and she is not wearing a super fancy dress, then I am not bothered about that. But if the girl is wearing Saree, to be specific, a classic Saree like Vanarasi or Kanjipuram, I get stuck with it. And if that is a guy, then if he has a good physique and wearing formal, well-fitted clothes, then that guy is sketched on my mind forever. Otherwise… who cares! It’s not that I like guys wearing formal clothes all the time, but to remember him, well-fitted formal get up really helps me.

The next thing that I really adore about fit people are the shoulder blades. As a medical student, I know how significant the shoulder blade or scapula bones are. But when a well fitted shirt/t-shirt wearing guy walks with his magnificent back, it literally takes away my attention. For girls, I actually don’t feel such excitement, but it’s good as well. Another physical thing about guys, when they walk and their elbows make an angle with their bodies, a slight bend at the joint… that looks so good to me. It happens quite often that I see a guy somewhere and I see the perfect shoulder blades poking at his back, the perfect angle his elbows make… and then he turns around and that is a 60 year old guy! smh

Weird things!

Heal me

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All my memories wander in my mind. I remember them even when I pick up a pen. Sometimes I think about my treasures that I might loose. Whenever I see the rain pouring from the sky, I wish I had some way to change my pains to hopes and dreams. I bring the darkness and then I fight them. And even if I win in the fight, I get lost in the shadows.

Please find me the light, find me the dawn. I want to breath in the freshness, I want to smell the fragrance. I want my eyes to be blinded with that brightness. Please find me my soul, that I can call my own, that I can take care, with whom my darkest secrets will be gone.

My ailing body, my sickened soul have endured enough. I want them to heal. I breakdown and I get up again. I try to clean my mess. I light the fire.

But only my soul burns. I bring the darkness and then I fight. And when I win, I get lost in the shadows again.

*Image collected from Google search 🙂

Imagining sh**s

Last weekend was really good, friends, fun, being busy. And at that time, I met someone. No, it’s not the “someone”, just a someone.

I tried remembering all the guys that showed interest in me in my life. There was six guys in total that I knew about, I guess that is quite a large number considering it’s me. The first one was special, so excluding him from my incoherent thoughts here. Rest..hmmm… I actually guessed how they felt. My ex husband, the first time I met him, I felt uncomfortable because I thought someone was giving me some “extra” attention, and I knew he had a girlfriend back then, so I just didn’t bother. But every time we met after the first one, I felt the same discomfort. It made sense when our marriage was started being arranged.

Third, fourth, fifth and sixth ones were in my med school. Third one was an asshole in my class, shameless piece of garbage, so he didn’t hide it, but I always felt so uncomfortable even from the very first day of our classes. Second was one senior, I didn’t know about him for a long time, but still I felt unexplained weirdness around him. Fifth one was again a shit-head and I knew about his feelings, made me comfortable as hell. Sixth one was a sweet guy, but he behaved like he was transfixed with me whenever we were in the same room. It was so obvious. But there was the same feeling of awkwardness. One more idiot told me that he loved me, and we had been friends for quite some time, but I never felt the awkwardness or butterfly-in-stomach feeling with him.

Now… this new someone. I felt the weirdness when I heard about him the first time. And I felt the weirdness every time we met. I should explain this better. He was born and brought up in UK, and so I am not entirely sure what his behaviors meant. He got confused every time he tried to address me something, another guy with the same name was there and whenever I called the other guy he gave me the impression that he was excited just from thinking I was talking to him, he was avoiding eye contacts with me and every time he talked to me he just couldn’t stop smiling. Was he just polite or there was something else! Who knows!

Or am I overthinking the whole thing?

The previous 2-6 guys, I actually didn’t care and although I was a bit sad when I saw so many girls were getting the “attractions” and I was being treated as the “scary” one, but I never wanted to be in a relationship. And it’s been a very long time since my divorce, and now I feel that every guy is an asshole, if nothing more vulgar. So when a nice, qualified guy was just being polite and civil, I read a little too much between the lines?

This afternoon, I fell asleep for a while and I dreamt the best dream in last 2 years. I saw the someone was really interested in me, he knew about my past and still he along with his family wanted me. And the whole scenario was in a beach with cliffs on one side, and at the end of the dream I saw myself experiencing the fireworks (yes, real fireworks) when I was standing in the middle of the night sky and it was so beautiful! I was so happy. Last night, I saw a photo of the first guy from the list in his wedding, he looked happy. He was the only one with whom I had something resembling a connection. He was special. I was really sad and depressed last night. I regret every decision I made in my life. And I don’t wanna get into a relationship with anyone, not even the someone. But suddenly the attention I imagined felt nice and warm when I was at the verge of breaking down after last night’s photo experience. Last time I had such a happy, nice dream was when I was intoxicated and out of mind massively. But that felt good, as it felt amazing this afternoon.

I know I am imagining things, I know the nice guy definitely does not think of me that way. I don’t deserve to be feeling this happy. But deep down inside, I liked the feeling. I didn’t wanna wake up from my nap. Is it too weird?