I want you to show me how

I am in love. Absolutely not in my plan. I was happy by myself, used to do whatever I wanted, whatever I wished. No plan, no dates to remember, no special occasions. I promised myself that I would NEVER EVER let me go through the pain of love again.

I failed.

IMG-20170925-WA0013

There was a guy, I know him for more than 17 years now. He was just a friend. To be honest, I never even liked him that much ever. I saw in Facebook that he got married to an Irish girl, I congratulated him and I was happy just as I would be for any of my other friends. They once invited me to visit me, thank God I never did. They have a one year old daughter, I even planned what I’d take for her. But like I said, THANK GOD!

However in last July (2017), out of nowhere he texted me that they split up and he was in London and wanted to meet up. I met him. Being the person who went through the same kind of break up of marriage, I couldn’t leave him alone. And that was it. We started talking. First it was just me supporting him that it’s gonna be over. he sometimes asked me why I hadn’t been dating. I answered – “Not Interested”.

He came back home in the same month and I went to Manchester for my PLAB2. Then the role changed, He had became the one who supported me. With studies, with mental breakdowns and all. He showed me such beautiful dreams that I just gave in. Crossing all my boundaries and my vows of not being in love ever again.

Now we’re together, meaning, in the same country. But I can’t live in Bangladesh. I have overcome a disastrous marriage, my drug problems, my smoking problems – all here which are reminded every second and moreover I finished my PLAB (which he knew I was determined about for staying in UK). I just feel like a cage here in Bangladesh.

I am trying to get a job in UK, almost done as well. Some paper works are left, which are bothering me, but hopefully it’ll be over soon. But the guy I love, and he loves me too, has become too silent. He stopped talking to me about what is bothering him. Once he said he’d never go to UK. Now he says he MIGHT go with me as he LOVES me. I am ready to move to any developed countries once I get my experience from NHS. But every time we talk about my job in UK and him going there, he becomes more cocooned. His marriage has not dissolved yet fully, the process is still going. he tries to compare that what I had in Bangladesh, same things he remembers if he thinks of going back to UK. I tried to make him understand that it was not same, and Ireland and UK are not same. We won’t even live near Ireland. He agrees, but I know how his face changes.

I do love him. Maybe he does love me as well, although my idea that is more like rebound. But I’m willing to make my best effort to make it last a lifetime. Maybe we’ll get married later this year, but I am scared to the core of my soul what will happen if he becomes silent? Or even worse, if I become silent? My demons are far worse than his and I am terrified if those again come up and kill me from inside AGAIN. I wish he could help me with this, but he is unable to do that. UNFORTUNATELY. He doesn’t even wanna talk about this.

I wish my life ended right here, right now. He would have been spared from the pain and the devil in me.

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

 

Advertisements

One thought on “I want you to show me how

  1. You really make it appear really easy along with your presentation but I find this matter to be really one thing that I think I would never understand. It sort of feels too complex and extremely large for me. I’m having a look ahead to your subsequent put up, I’ll try to get the cling of it!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s