Imagining sh**s

Last weekend was really good, friends, fun, being busy. And at that time, I met someone. No, it’s not the “someone”, just a someone.

I tried remembering all the guys that showed interest in me in my life. There was six guys in total that I knew about, I guess that is quite a large number considering it’s me. The first one was special, so excluding him from my incoherent thoughts here. Rest..hmmm… I actually guessed how they felt. My ex husband, the first time I met him, I felt uncomfortable because I thought someone was giving me some “extra” attention, and I knew he had a girlfriend back then, so I just didn’t bother. But every time we met after the first one, I felt the same discomfort. It made sense when our marriage was started being arranged.

Third, fourth, fifth and sixth ones were in my med school. Third one was an asshole in my class, shameless piece of garbage, so he didn’t hide it, but I always felt so uncomfortable even from the very first day of our classes. Second was one senior, I didn’t know about him for a long time, but still I felt unexplained weirdness around him. Fifth one was again a shit-head and I knew about his feelings, made me comfortable as hell. Sixth one was a sweet guy, but he behaved like he was transfixed with me whenever we were in the same room. It was so obvious. But there was the same feeling of awkwardness. One more idiot told me that he loved me, and we had been friends for quite some time, but I never felt the awkwardness or butterfly-in-stomach feeling with him.

Now… this new someone. I felt the weirdness when I heard about him the first time. And I felt the weirdness every time we met. I should explain this better. He was born and brought up in UK, and so I am not entirely sure what his behaviors meant. He got confused every time he tried to address me something, another guy with the same name was there and whenever I called the other guy he gave me the impression that he was excited just from thinking I was talking to him, he was avoiding eye contacts with me and every time he talked to me he just couldn’t stop smiling. Was he just polite or there was something else! Who knows!

Or am I overthinking the whole thing?

The previous 2-6 guys, I actually didn’t care and although I was a bit sad when I saw so many girls were getting the “attractions” and I was being treated as the “scary” one, but I never wanted to be in a relationship. And it’s been a very long time since my divorce, and now I feel that every guy is an asshole, if nothing more vulgar. So when a nice, qualified guy was just being polite and civil, I read a little too much between the lines?

This afternoon, I fell asleep for a while and I dreamt the best dream in last 2 years. I saw the someone was really interested in me, he knew about my past and still he along with his family wanted me. And the whole scenario was in a beach with cliffs on one side, and at the end of the dream I saw myself experiencing the fireworks (yes, real fireworks) when I was standing in the middle of the night sky and it was so beautiful! I was so happy. Last night, I saw a photo of the first guy from the list in his wedding, he looked happy. He was the only one with whom I had something resembling a connection. He was special. I was really sad and depressed last night. I regret every decision I made in my life. And I don’t wanna get into a relationship with anyone, not even the someone. But suddenly the attention I imagined felt nice and warm when I was at the verge of breaking down after last night’s photo experience. Last time I had such a happy, nice dream was when I was intoxicated and out of mind massively. But that felt good, as it felt amazing this afternoon.

I know I am imagining things, I know the nice guy definitely does not think of me that way. I don’t deserve to be feeling this happy. But deep down inside, I liked the feeling. I didn’t wanna wake up from my nap. Is it too weird?

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