Scare. That one emotion that stops the heart. A chill flowing inside the veins. Hands started shaking. Mouth goes dry. Brain stops functioning.
When you are scared you can’t think properly. What makes us thinking rationally? Thought of revenge? I used to think so. I used to hold grudges against everybody that did me wrong. It didn’t matter if it was actually something that they did, or just my imagination. My narcissism got the best of me long ago. After meeting so many different people in so many different situations, I understand what initiated that.
I was praised for everything. I had my wonderful parents covering up for me. Their belief that I could do no wrong. With time, it affected me more than anything. I started to make excuses for everything bad or wrong that I did. I knew my parents would believe me, even if they didn’t they would always support me, back me up, cover for me, make excuses for me. For example, I remember what happened with the head-girl badge, I lost it. I was so scared that I couldn’t sleep at night. Next morning I told my mom. She took care of everything. She ordered a new badge, she talked to my teacher. I knew she had my back. I would be alright. But that was the first time I could remember getting scared out of my life. It’s not that they didn’t tell me anything if I did anything wrong. But all I remember that they tried to tell me how disappointed they were because a good girl like me did something bad.
My priority had become not to disappoint them.
Every time I do something bad, I immediately think how disappointed my parents would be if they knew. Whenever there was even the slightest possibility that they would know what I had done, I felt the chill down my spine. That painful coldness, that paralyzing existence.
This is what happened last week. I did what I did just because I started to think if they knew, they’d be so much disappointed. I didn’t wanna experience that. Even now when I think what could have happened, I get so scared. Scared beyond anything I felt before, any time in my life.
Is this common in human nature? Disappointment? Disappointing parents? Disappointing society? Disappointing traditions? Disappointing someone we love? Disappointing someone we made promises to share our goods and bads? Disappointing God? Disappointing faith? Disappointing beliefs?
Or, just disappointing ourselves?